A Parent’s Perspective on the College Admission Process

As the Common and Coalition Applications open for the fall, I count myself among the intrepid group of families entering the college journey ahead, as my own child has just started his senior year. You may think that being an admission dean makes the college search and selection process easier, but I assure you, it does not. We are human, too! And we are not immune to the stress that the college process can bring. But for over three decades, I have guided thousands of prospective students and their families through the college search and application process and have learned a LOT — even before becoming a parent. While I don’t have all the answers to the innumerable questions that arise for families as they support their college searching student, I can assure you and your student will be okay. My hope is to offer perspective, reassurance, and confidence as we embark on this journey together. From parent to parent, I hope you find this advice useful as you support your student in their search.

Make space, don't take it. In your excitement for your student’s future, families often fill conversations with college-related topics. “What colleges are you applying to?” and “What do you want to major in?” can sound like innocuous questions, but it’s important to create space for your student to think, reflect and sometimes take a break from talking about the process. I encourage you to listen to your student — really listen. Hear and observe what your student is communicating through their responses, and at times, through their lack of responses. I learned that providing space for organic, low-pressure situations is the most productive (and enjoyable) way for your student to share their hopes and worries for their future, and to ask for your help if needed. Some of the most productive college conversations I’ve had with my children have occurred while doing everyday activities such as taking a walk around the neighborhood, driving to run errands, or most recently, sitting on the couch while watching the Olympics.

Manage your stress. Like many things in life, there are aspects to the college search and application process that are beyond our control. As parents, this can be unsettling – our life focus is ensuring our children have opportunities and choices for their future. And while we often feel the weight of this responsibility, sometimes we also overlook the immense pressure that our children can feel to live up to family expectations. We forget that our children simply don’t want to disappoint us. I was reminded of this at the beginning of my oldest child’s college search, when he appeared stressed and overwhelmed. To assuage his worry, I shared that I was confident that he would have college choices— not because of my professional perspective, but because I believed in him. The shift in his stress level was immediate, reminding me that not all external college stressors are beyond our control.

Don’t judge your parenting by a college decision. This process is not about you. While you may believe you have empowered your student to take the lead in their college search and decision making, part of truly letting them take the lead is making sure that you are not measuring your parenting skills based upon the admission decisions that your child receives. Remind your student that their value and worth is not based upon a college decision.

Find joy. While this may seem counterintuitive given all the things that need to get done (and they will!) in the months ahead, remember that the college search and application process –though it may seem endless at times – is fleeting. The time that you and your student spend imagining the future, whether during car rides to campus visits or on the couch during virtual tours, will pass quickly. Savor each moment, because once your student begins college, schedules will become busier and finding time to connect as a family will be more challenging. Life is already busy juggling and coordinating schedules while everyone is living at home. Imagine how much harder it will be when your student is away at college, managing and leading their own busy, independent life. Embrace all of the moments in the college process with your student. The tense conversations when you had to remind them to finish their college essays or the disagreements about what constitutes on time arrival for a campus visit will all be distant memories once your child has moved into college next August. Instead, you’ll remember how proud you are of your student as they strive and grow as an independent individual pursuing their future dreams.